It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my injury. I feel like I have come quite a ways in those few weeks! The first week I could barely get around. I had a massive headache at all times and was dizzy about 98% of the time. It was horrible. This past week, the headache has lessened and I am dizzy about 50% of the time. I do really well when I am at home. I can shower alone; I can go to the bathroom alone (for those of you that have been pregnant, you know how often that is!); I can put my kiddo to bed; I can even read and work on my computer a bit more; I am almost feeling human again!
However, when I go out, I only last a few hours before my head starts to throb and the dizziness sets in. My friends that have been taking care of me over the past few weeks say that I get a “glazed” look in my eyes when that start’s to happen. It is like my brain can only handle so much stimulation. I’ve also started to forget things- which the neurologist said would be normal. But put that with the preggo brain I already have? I think I am a lost cause!!
Despite the glazing over and amnesia, I am healing and can see progress!!
We are now at 33 weeks in this pregnancy, and I have been praying that God will continue to give me healing so that I am ready for this baby. I am also praying for the healing because I am going to try to have a VBAC. My OB is extremely pro-vbac (which is awesome!) and told me that as long as my neurologist says it’s okay, we can proceed with the VBAC plans.
My body’s inability to naturally deliver my firstborn sent me into a crazy postpartum depression. While I have mentally and spiritually healed from that, I am still very determined to try to have this baby naturally. I am praying so hard that this injury doesn’t ruin my chances. I cannot describe why I need to do this, but it is something as a woman that I just HAVE to do. I understand a natural birth isn’t for everyone, but I do not want to have another cesearean. I have done everything in my power to make this pregnancy healthy: eating healthy, regular exercise (all the way to week 31- due to the injury, I can no longer work out-so sad!), hiring a doula for the birth and weekly chiropractor visits. I have tried so hard to have the healthiest pregnancy I can and my OB says that I have done everything in my power to increase my odds at having a VBAC. I am still mentally preparing myself that it might not happen, but I am not stressed about it either. I feel like my chances are good and if it doesn’t happen, then God has a reason for it. But I sure am praying hard for the chance to deliver naturally!
Over the past few weeks, I have had a humbling experience. I sometimes take pride in my ability to multi-task. I am a list lover and I find so much satisfaction in checking things off my to do list. I often find my self-worth in my productivity. That is not okay, but it is the truth. With my injury, I have been forced to be still. I have been forced to let go of my to do list. I have had to rely on others. For the first week, my sweet friend Emilee did my laundry, vacuumed my floors, did the dishes…she ran my household for me! She did all of that while caring for me, 2 toddlers and a baby. She really is supermom!! Our church brought us dinner every night. This past week, while staying in Texas, my dear friend Janee has taken care of me and my toddler. She is amazing! Last night, I asked my new friend Lisa if she would drive me to Santa Fe for my OB appt next week. Why is it so hard to ask for help? Because my normal is helping others, not asking for help. Because I don’t want to inconvenience others or be a burden to others. Because culture tells us that “oh look how busy I am!” is wisdom and should be praised. Because culture teaches us that being busier than the person next to us must mean we are better than them. Asking for help just doesn’t fit with that cultural view.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7
I have heard God say, in these past two weeks, “be humble.” I have heard him say “let my people be the hands and feet of Jesus. Let them serve you. They are serving me by serving you. This is why I have blessed you with a church family. Humble yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
Even Jesus humbled himself. All the more reason for me to embrace humility.
“And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” – Philippians 2:8-11
I want to say thank you again for your prayers! And thank you for listening to my heart. It’s not easy to admit these things, but I want to keep it real. That is why I write. Perhaps something here on this blog will touch your heart. If you are struggling with humility, just give it over to Christ. Ask him to teach you how to be humble…but you might want to suggest, Lord willingly of course, that he do it without a brain injury! 😉
I am finding that becoming humble is a hard, but beautiful thing.