Day 4 Are you hiding?
Today’s devotional included a testimony from a girl who once was a chirpy, bubbly, full of life girl. Something changed for her and she gradually became depressed in her mid 20s.
Oh how I can relate to this girl! I’m certainly not depressed (although I have been in the past and know what that feels like) but I do feel the weight of the world on my shoulders here lately for many different reasons. That’s a totally different blogpost 😉
I was once that bubbly girl who wasn’t afraid of anything. Nothing could embarrass me. No fear. And then I went to nursing school. One of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life. I had no life. All I did was study. I was a newlywed who barely saw her husband. The anxiety and self doubt of nursing school began to crush my bubbly personality. I strived to be the best I could and receive the best grades (I graduated cum laude!) but in the process, I lost who I was. That bubbly girl was replaced with a worried, stressed out, to busy for anything but studying, girl. Shortly after I graduated and passed my NCLEX, I thought I would become that girl again. But I became pregnant and oh what a blessing that was! But after I gave birth to my son, a world of negative body image consumed me. That bubbly girl couldn’t surface.
It felt as if someone had changed me without my permission, and I didn’t know why.
This wasn’t me. But I couldn’t figure out why I had let myself sink so low. Why I believed the stinkin’ thinkin. Why I had such a hard time believing God could still love this “christian girl” who was letting the devil win.
My feelings told me I wasn’t worth anything to God, or anyone, while I was like this…
My feelings were tearing up my soul. On the outside, I acted like everything was fine. But on the inside, I was hurting. My husband knew how deeply I was struggling. He tried to be there for me, but I would push him away. My feelings were harming my marriage. My feelings were getting in the way of a lot of things, including enjoying being a new mom. I was totally consumed with the fact that I was “fat, ugly, and gross.” I knew it was wrong. I knew all these feelings were wrong. And that God loved me no matter what. But for some reason, I couldn’t pull my mind away from the stinkin’ thinkin’ and truly embrace Christ love.
Even in the darkest depths, He hadn’t let me slip from his hand. He’d been there looking after me. It was me who pushed God away…he hadn’t abandoned me at all.
God gave my husband words to speak to me one night that totally gave me a reality check. And from that moment, I slowly began to crawl out of my negative body image hole. I began to replace the lies with truths. 1 year & 8 months later, I can honestly say that God has blessed me through my struggles. I have been able to speak at MOPS about negative body image. I have been able to speak one on one with girls who struggle with loving their bodies. I have a blog that reaches out to women who suffer as I did. I am a witness to the fact that even in the darkest depths, God never abandons us.
He is truly amazing. His love will never disappear.
The truth is, no matter what I go through, God is there with me. His love doesn’t depend on me, but simply on what he has done through his son, Jesus.