It’s a New Year!
My husband and I were talking on our long car ride this past weekend about how time moves so fast and how God’s plan is so good. Never did I see myself moving farther away from my hometown of St. Louis. Never did I imagine I would be looking at beautiful snow capped mountains out my kitchen and den windows. Never did I see myself becoming a Women’s Ministry Coordinator. Never did I see my blog growing to reach thousands of women. Never did I see myself as a homeschooling momma. Funny how we make our own plans and then God says “ha, you thought you knew!”
13 years ago, I thought was a “big girl.” I thought I knew exactly what my life would look like 5 years later…10 years later. At the age of 22, I had absolutely everything planned out. In 2007, I married a man 8 years older than me. I never imagined I would marry someone with such an age difference, but God knew this was in the plan. He knew we needed each other. I am a very type A, planner obsessed, list making woman. My husband is very laid back. He is my balance. My hubby figured out a long time ago that God always has a bigger plan, no matter how much you plan ahead.
Yesterday in the car, he told me “you have gotten so much better at adulting.”
Well, thank you honey…
He then explained that he has seen me grow over the past nearly 9 years of our marriage. He has seen me let go a little at a time of my plans for my life, and watched me trust more in God’s plan.
So apparently, I’ve gotten better adulting! Yay!
But often times, it doesn’t feel like it! We moved in 2014. Shortly after our move, I suffered a head injury which has left me in a brain fog this past year. In December of 2015, I gave birth to our daughter and spent the whole past year adjusting to life with two little people. In August of last year, I had a seizure (result of the head injury) which has resulted in even more brain fog from the seizure meds and short term memory loss. On top of all that, I haven’t been able to drive because by law in New Mexico, you have to be seizure free for 6 months in order to get back behind the wheel.
I am a weary woman. I am tired. I am tired of my brain not functioning! I am tired of feeling exhausted. I am tired of feeling so stressed. I am tired of trying to be in control. And while I am so incredibly grateful to those who have been more than willing to drive me and my kiddos all over creation, I miss my freedom of going when and where I want…
Obviously, I need to stop complaining and start adulting again…
As I reflected on how difficult yet how blessed this past year has been, I wanted to find my one word for the year that would change my mindset. I truly believe that what we think is who we become. Having suffered postpartum depression and negative body image, I lived that. You truly do become what you think. As I was searching for my “one word,” I kept coming back to the word “makeover.” But it just didn’t seem right. Yes, I want to makeover a lot of things. I want to lose weight. I want to makeover my eating habits. I want to makeover my blog and see it flourish as a ministry and touch the lives of many. I want to makeover my role as a wife and a mother. I want to makeover my relationship with Christ and grow closer to Him. I want to be better at all these things. But I believe it will take a different mindset than my current weary one.
I don’t want to be the weary, worn out woman who feels like she is drowning and hanging on for dear life. I don’t want to be the weary woman wishing her brain would cooperate and remember something for once! I don’t want to be the weary woman who feels like a failure as a mother. Not the weary woman who feels like a failure as a wife. Not the weary woman who knows the Lord and feels close to Him, yet still tries to control far too much.
I’m tired of feeling tired. I want to be the woman who knows what her best yes is. I want to be the woman who recognizes that as a mother, I will fail. I’m imperfect. But God is there to walk beside my husband and I as we raise our beautiful children. He is there to lift me up and walk beside me in this scary yet rewarding journey of parenting. I want to be the woman who shows her husband respect and makes him feel loved everyday. I want to be the woman who is growing in her relationship with Christ, and truly living for Him each and every day, with every breath, in everything she does.
As I reflected on these things, I realized that makeover was not the word I was looking for. My word went so much deeper than that.
I need the weariness lifted.
[Tweet “I don’t need a makeover. I need renewed. “]
The definition of renewal is the replacing or repair of something that is worn out, run down or broken.
I feel worn out. I feel run down. I often times feel broken.
I don’t need a makeover. I need renewed.
My savior is the only one who can repair me. I have to choose to replace the weary feelings with Him. I have to choose to allow Him to work in me and through me to lift those feelings away. By His grace, He can repair me. He can take my brokeness and make it something beautiful. I’ve seen Him do it before, and I know He will do it again.
I will always be broken because I am human. I will always be in need of repair because I am a sinner. I will always need Jesus’ forgiveness.
But this year, I will be renewed. I will seek Him in all things. I will trust in Him in all things.
I will replace those feelings of weariness with the joy of knowing my Lord and Savior. This is the year of RENEWAL.
What is your word of the year? Share in the comments! I’d love to hear your word!